When Rest Is Not Enough: Why So Many Women Still Feel Exhausted
I meant to write this a little over 2 weeks ago. Just on the cusp of the new calendar year. When we were still in that liminal week between the solstice and the beginning of what society (or more accurately, Pope Gregory XIII) has decided is a new year. In that long pause after Restmas ended, before the next thing began.
For a while I shamed myself for not writing the thing, for missing the moment, for not living up to my mile-high expectations of myself.
Then I was reminded that I get to embody my own work too. And those days in between… they are not for doing. I wasn’t losing momentum and it’s definitely not “too late” to be writing these words.
Those in-between days are magical. There is a sense of collective exhale that occurs during that time. Within them is an unwritten permission to sleep late, to stay in PJs all day, to eat more sugar than is strictly good for you for just a little longer. And yet, there is a quiet discomfort that can live here too. For many women (myself included) when we truly allow ourselves to come to a stop, to pause, to be still, it doesn’t actually feel all that good. At the end of these days in-between our bodies may feel rested, but feeling truly rejuvenated?… that’s not always (or even often) a familiar experience.
And then we wonder what’s wrong with us.
We think to ourselves: “I rested. I slowed down. And yet, I don’t actually feel better. There must be something wrong with me.”
I’m hear to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you.
Your exhaustion is not personal, it’s cultural.
Your exhaustion is not personal, it’s cultural.
There is a huge difference between physical tiredness and existential depletion. And while, yes, many of us are truly physically exhausted from literally not getting enough rest, I believe that all of us are experiencing exhaustion that runs so much deeper than that.
A few days, or even weeks, of getting more physical rest is not the answer when the exhaustion goes beyond the physical body. Rest alone does not heal the harm that has been done by living inside extractive systems. In fact, it is very difficult to experience truly restful rest when we are living inside a system that punishes us for slowing down.
I’ve lost count of the number of women who’ve told me that they just “like to keep busy” that they don’t “enjoy resting”. And those things are absolutely true for them. It’s so upsetting because rest should be an enjoyable experience for all humans. The reason that it doesn’t feel good, that we like keeping busy all the time, is because we’ve been raised with deep seated beliefs that our worth and our goodness as human beings are intrinsically tied to our productivity and our usefulness to others. Even if you don’t consciously believe this, most of us carry it quietly in the body.
And this is why you don’t just “bounce back” after a period of slowing down. You’re not broken, your system doesn’t feel safe in rest… so the rest you take is not truly restorative.
This is not a failure of rest. It is a signal that something deeper wants tending.
So what can you actually do about this?
So what can you actually do about this? Well… for starters, keep practicing rest, even though it might not feel good. Your nervous system cannot learn that it’s safe to slow down unless you continue to show it that it is. Read books and listen to podcasts that support the idea that rest is your birthright, that you do not need to earn it, that laziness does not exist.
Learning is a beautiful place to start to create insights that can motivate change. Practicing rest is the integration. And… there are limits to doing this work alone.
Not only does our culture glorify productivity, it also holds up independence as a mark of strength and of worth. Something to aspire towards. To ask for help is a mark of weakness… to be a burden the greatest sin a woman can commit.
We have a generation (likely several) of women who have developed hyper-independence as a survival mechanism. A response to the culture in which we were raised. From that place it is incredibly difficult to create change because hyper-independence is a state of vigilance in the nervous system.
As humans, we are not meant to experience life and change and growth and healing in isolation. We are communal beings. Beings who relied on each other for millenia before modern society created the idea of the lone wolf as something admirable. Beings whose nervous systems are designed to co-regulate, not to self-regulate.
And yes, of course self-regulation is important… but it will only take you so far.
We need connection, community, and support if we want to heal from this bone deep exhaustion. We need supported integration, not just learning in order to truly experience restorative, regenerative rest.
We need to cultivate wisdom.
And we need to become aware that there is a point where wisdom stops being about learning more and fixing ourselves, and starts being about being accompanied on the journey.
The truth is, we were never meant to do life alone.
Because the truth is, we were never meant to do life alone. Through the centuries and across millennia, women have gathered. To mark moments, celebrate seasons, share fears and hopes, support one another through all that life brings our way. We gathered to share wisdom and healing. To learn from our elders, who were respected and revered. Mentorship was embedded into the fabric of life. And women witnessed each other. Not just in one moment. Not just at one powerful circle or retreat… but through the weeks and the months and the years.
Being seen over time changes us.
Being wholly accepted exactly as we are liberates us.
Being held with tender reverence as we evolve and grow heals us.
I’ve been privileged in my life to witness this changing, this liberation, this healing. First in my role as a midwife, supporting women in that beautiful and gut wrenching transition into motherhood…and now in my role as a mentor, supporting women as they remember that they do not need to become someone new to create a life that feels luxurious, they only need to remember who they are beneath all the roles they’ve assumed over the years.
There are so many “quick fixes” out there.
They are enticing, especially when we are exhausted or overwhelmed. A shortcut to feeling better is something we all crave. A saviour riding in on their white horse. A guarantee…
And when the quick fix doesn’t work? When the change doesn’t last? We go back to blaming ourselves for not trying hard enough, for not being disciplined enough, for being a failure. It worked for so many others, why didn’t it work for me?
In my world, we are not in the business of “fixing” you.
I wish I could say that what I offer works quickly. That there is a genuine quick fix for the way that you might be feeling. But there’s not. And in my world we are not in the business of “fixing” you in any case. We are in the business of tending. We are practicing living inside a rhythm. We are experiencing cycles as they come, cycles that cannot be rushed but must be allowed to unfold in their own right timing. We are creating a space where our nervous systems learn to trust… gently and slowly. We are witnessing the patterns that can only reveal themselves over time.
We are choosing to walk this path, with ourselves, with others, for a full turn of the seasons… and often beyond.
This length of time can feel intense. It can feel like a really big commitment. But this time frame, it’s not about intensity. It’s about ease and spaciousness and slow steady growth.
It’s a length of time that allows your nervous system to soften and learn to trust, rather than to be bullied into some sort of exponential growth burst that often results in whiplash so bad you end up further “behind” than when you started.
A year is about a commitment to your self… with whom you will be spending the remainder of all your years.
A year creates the space for you to soften out of urgency and cultivate discernment. To build an awareness of what truly requires an immediate response or a rush of adrenaline to navigate (and let me tell you it’s not that text message from your boss or a bully in an internet comments thread).
It allows for the practice needed to be able to stay present with complexity, the both/and of life and our experience of it.
A year gives you time to feel into boundaries that are supportive and protective, without them becoming rigid or defensive. To begin to heal from that age old wound that impacts every woman I know (the witch wound… and within it, the sister wound). To learn how to trust in your own timing and the wisdom that lives within you.
This is the place from which Wise Wild Woman was born.
You might not be surprised to hear that this is the place from which Wise Wild Woman was born.
Not as a program to improve you. Not as a solution to “get you back on track.” But as a space for long-term, relational support in a culture that offers almost none.
Wise Wild Woman is a year-long mentorship because some things cannot be rushed.
Because nervous systems heal through consistency, not intensity. Because wisdom reveals itself over time, in relationship, not in isolation.
It is a cyclical space, shaped by the seasons rather than the calendar. A body-led space, where your lived experience matters more than ideology. A non-hierarchical space, where I am not an authority over you, but a guide walking alongside and a light to shine the way ahead.
This is not self-improvement. It’s remembering. A container designed for real lives — with children and partners, illness and grief, work and joy, limits and longing.
Here we focus on outcomes without promises.
Over time, everything shifts. Urgency softens. Discernment deepens. You begin to feel the difference between what is truly yours to respond to and what is simply noise. You learn how to stay present with complexity — the both/and of life — without collapsing or hardening. You begin to trust your own timing instead of forcing yourself into someone else’s pace.
Boundaries become clearer, not sharper. Rest becomes more accessible, not because life is suddenly easier, but because your nervous system feels less alone. And perhaps most importantly, you stop relating to yourself as a problem to be solved.
You begin to experience yourself as someone worth tending.
This path is for women who sense that the way they have been living is not sustainable…
This path is not for everyone.
Wise Wild Woman is for women who are tired of starting over. For women who have gathered enough insight and are ready for integration. For women who sense that the way they have been living is not sustainable, even if it looks fine from the outside.
If you are longing for depth rather than intensity, for accompaniment rather than a framework, for a way of living that honours your body, your cycles, and your humanity, then this space may be for you.
The founder’s rate remains open for a few more weeks, and I am offering it in this season because the space is still small, relational, and intimate. Those who join now are stepping into something that is still being held with a great deal of personal care and presence.
There is no urgency here. Only an open door.
